I don't know what the point of this is going to be, at all. But I guess that's how a lot of the best, and most important, things start out in our life's. You probably wont actually bother reading all of this unless you really know me, especially, since I am guessing that its going to be immensely long. Even most of you that do know me probably wont bother reading it. But this is one of those things that you have to do for yourself. And I have, for so long, forgotten about me, of me, and who I really am. So I guess that means that the first part is going to be about self discovery, and self reliance.

So what do I know about me: well I am 18, I am currently residing with my grandparents, I am working at a gas station, and I am going to college next year at BSC for commercial art. I feel like one of those people that you just know will be famous, I don't mean that as a, "wow, look at how amazing I am" type of thing, just that I feel like, well okay, I know how I will explain it. I lived in a small town and that wasn't who I am at all, I knew I was destined for bigger things, Brimley just could never be what I needed. Then I moved, to Bismarck, I am still living here now, but its just not the same, I want more, I just want the world, and I feel like the world will be mine. I just honestly feel like there is nothing I cant do or accomplish if I dedicate my self to it.

Another thing that I know, I am terrible at relationships. I have made myself completely responsible for me, I think that this is in part due to how I was raised. And because of that, I never really looked for a co-human relationship for ever up until last year. Of course there were the road bumps, or should I say bed bumps. But they really didn't mean anything. I am sorry if you reading this now, and you were one of them. But I just want to be honest, and I feel like I owe it to you and myself. I am in a very complicated relationship right now, where I am always saying I love you, which I do, but for some reason it just feels odd to me… to be so attached to someone else, is completely foreign, and feeling so much doesn't feel right to me. I have honestly always just taken care of myself, and been completely independent, the reason I mentioned how I was raised earlier is because of the fact that, well, me and my parents didn't get along, it wasn't their fault, we just had a lot going against us. So, for the longest time, I lived my life not being part of that, not dealing with other people, not worrying about what they were feeling. I was never open and honest about who I really am with people either until this year, I was always pretending to be someone that I knew I wasn't. that gets so tiring after so many years.

What I mean to me, I am the one that's responsible, the one that goes to work, the one that takes care of others, the one that is there to clean up the mess (emotional and physical), and I feel like I am the mature one. I know that I don't always play these roles, but they are a huge part of who I am, I love quiet although I am always loud, and I love books, even though I never have time to read. I feel like more often than not I play the role of parent to those around me, even though for the longest time I never wanted kids. I think that my friends are the reason I do now, I have seen so many of them mature, grow, and become amazing individuals; that I would never want to miss out on that.

I do have insecurities, although I try my hardest to hide them. I feel like I am damaged, I have literally been through hell and back, if you think I haven't been there its just because I haven't told you about it. You may feel like you have it so much worse off than others, but you thinking that just makes me laugh. All of you people who look at my life from the outside and see the walls that I put up, well that's all they are is a faux wall. I am just waiting for someone to come and tear them all down.

Things that have occurred to me over the years I have spent here:

-forgiveness is never easy to come by, and I feel like sometimes we are only allotted a certain amount, just like tears, people can only make us cry so much, and then we become numb to them.

-chocolate is like friendship, its good with everything

-when you doubt yourself your experiencing your first mistake.

-always color outside the lines, anyone can follow a pattern, so always make your own.

-it takes way to much energy to actually hate someone, your better off just forgetting/forgiving them, believe me you will end up doing one of the two eventually anyway

-at the end of the day, all the shit that pissed you off no longer matters.

-love makes you vulnerable, and I really hate being vulnerable…

-friends, they are the most important thing in your life, remember that, they were there to begin with, and they will probably still be there after it. As long as u don't fuck shit up to bad.

-try not to cut people out of your life, I have done it, and now I regret it more than anything.

~*~ and for you, if you read this, and you made it this far… I just feel like… I don't even know how to tell you. I feel like I am not enough for you, like you could do so much better than me. And that in the long run this will happen, you will find someone else, you will be way more happy, and I will become a forgotten memory. A shadow of a former day, one eclipsed by a brighter light.

- and my last bit of advice, it's about forgiveness, remember that, even when you do honestly feel like there is no more to give, you still have to, its all we really have. That and love, but love that's for another time I think.